The above image is a "pic" I took several days ago.  It is one of those images that when I saw it I felt I needed to capture it not knowing when I might use it.  However unlike many of the "pics" I take which are at random and never get used, I was pretty sure this one would be shared.  In fact I shared it on Facebook with a caption "and then it dawned on me, " and it prompted a comment from one of the people who have what I wanted, and still do, back in the Land of Oz.  Their comment was that they loved those "aha moments", to which I replied that it wasn't anything profound that dawned on me that morning, it was just the sun.  Morning had broken that day, and I wanted to share it as it felt like the right thing to do.  For some I'm sure it is just another "pic", however I prefer to think of these types of photos as images.  Sometimes a pic is just a pic, sometimes an image carries a message, sometimes needing an explanation and sometimes worth a thousand words....or more.  And although nothing dawned on me that particular morning other than the brightness and warmth of the sun, since then I have had a moment or two to reflect on this image and moments both recent and past in which dawned a little Light out of both moments of clarity and brightness around me and also from darkness and lost hope from within, moments in which most images where blurred and even at dawn too many mornings felt broken.   One of the most recent "dawnings" is the fact that it is possible several of you if you have been reading along on this site, or where just starting, or perhaps catching up may have logged in to find that this site appeared broken, blown up, and what you had been reading was gone, vanished.  You also may have been led to believe that what was here is now in book form, both of these are correct.  Like most things in life, what and how I had planned for the transition from this site to book form have had to be altered.  It's okay and I apologize for any confusion, of course this is assuming anyone ever reads what I write - aha!!  There is a book, and nothing has been lost, blown up, or left dangling "forever" but I had to do a 10th Step and came to understand that perhaps my choice for a title and the presentation needed to be inventoried and some changes made to present the peace and serenity available through the gift of gratitude in the proper Light.  My Light, in my perspective, and the original title was both misleading and not what is actually written.  What is written and what will be available very soon is my story and "What Grandpa Knows" that was and is inspired by the gift of gratitude in my life and those I love and beautifully "highlighted" with the deepening touch of Landon's very bright but brief outer Light which continually penetrates and shines from within forever and his Light is but a brief yet integral part of "What Grandpa Knows."  On a deeper level it is what I have learned, that I Grandpa now knows:  when I am willing to accept God's will for my life and allow and accept and not interfere with God's will for others lives - most of the time - I am able to find peace and serenity through the gift of Gratitude during both the best and the worst of mornings be they broken or whole, light or dark.  This gift provides both Light and comfort amidst a great deal of Hope and this kinship of "soul" is eternal and meets in The Light Beyond The Light with a Power much greater than all of us and instead of our lives becoming a string of broken stories and dark mornings our lives at all times can become fuller and richer experiences of great strength and much Hope until we go "Home"....which gets me to thinking....which I often do

Quite recently I was talking with a beautiful young woman after a meeting, in fact the very first meeting I attended here in the desert we were walking in at the same time so I guess you could say she was the first person I met in my new chapter of recovery.  As we talked it became readily apparent to me that perhaps my move here was getting a little boost and some validation from Landon's Light.  She has a little girl the same age as My Blue Angel and sadly had also lost a son at four months to SIDS, it would seem her little girl and my little girl have Angels for brothers.  As we talked she mentioned she was curious to hear how it felt from a grandparents perspective of how it felt to lose a little one.  I told her although I couldn't begin to know how it felt from a mother's perspective, it certainly was profoundly painful and sad as a grandparent.  What she said next I found even sadder, she said that in her experience it seemed to her that a grandparent or grandparents didn't seem to much care.  This sad statement in a brief "moment" spoke volumes to me of her experiences, strengths, and hopes and that we were both right where we needed to be and I was grateful once again for having coming to understand that finding new life is a process of progress in my recovery and part of God's will for my life which I try to live out a day at a time just for today - but it wasn't always like this which gets me to thinking....which I often do

Somehow this same conversation albeit brief, included relationships and how painful it can be for ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcholics) when they end.  I was reminded of one very broken evening that led to a very dark several mornings when perhaps I felt the single most devastating pain of personal loss in my life.  I had been in a four year relationship after my divorce in which both her and I had professed a life long committment.  On a New Year's morning I was advised that she had made a resolution for the coming year and beyond, I was no longer needed or wanted in her life.  I was blindsided, devastated and lost.  This was almost twenty years ago and recently someone I love dearly suggested to me that since I have lived alone for so long I may not remember how loss feels.  I can only speak for myself, but I know I have never forgotten and never will.  But I "Grandpa" also knows something else.  That in this darkness and deep feeling of abandonment, that same one felt as a child, there was a moment within the deepest darkness in which inside of me "broke through" a little Light.  It was just a glimmer, but I never have forgotten and I can still feel it as I write.  It was an "aha" moment in which what I was feeling seemed to be so much greater, larger, more overwhelming than just two people ending a relationship.  There was something inside of me that had nothing to do with her.  I felt it, I didn't understand it, but what I will tell you is that this was perhaps the first time in my life I felt something much greater than myself within me that from my perspective was not caused by someone or something outside of me.  I had no idea why I felt this, what is was, where it came from, and certainly what to do about it.  All I knew for sure was that it was as real as it was scary and disturbing because I wasn't a Grandpa yet and what I didn't know then that I know now is that this sliver of Light was a message within an image of a grown man in the fetal position in pain, like a child, and the only reason I was not under my bed was because I no longer fit.  The message although cloudy at that moment, is totally clear today - all of it had nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me.  Which gets me to thinking....which I often do

It would be almost four years before I walked into my first meeting with the friends and families of alcoholics.  Four years of searching for the unknown before another light and moment of dawning came to me on a dark Friday Night.  It was another message, more direct from the God of my understanding of today, that it was never about what I wanted but about what I needed.  That "feeling" that I remembered but did not understand that was greater than me and any other person yet hurt so much, was me learning enough about myself to be okay with me.  On October 9th, 2014 I introduced to you The Promises of the Twelve Steps.  Today I am sharing with you how far away I was from being even remotely close to being able to live them much less comprehend their possibility of reality.  I also told you I led a meeting in which I discussed these Promises, but I also shared something else that morning. I shared 20 questions that helped change my life.  Today I will share it with all of you too because "within" the same book that has the promises near the end, it has the following questions near the beginning.  When I read them for the first time it was for me, the beginning of coming to understand just what it was that painful night when I knew what I was feeling was something much greater than two people.  I had the answer.  It was a disease and I have it and if anyone where to grade me on the following questions I would pass with flying colors - I answered yes to all of them - I aced it!!  So perhaps you may want to ask yourself too if it is possible if at dark times you may need the help of a Power greater than yourself and begin to understand why:

Did you grow up in an alcoholic home?  Before you answer this question answer the following and perhaps Al-Anon is for you.

1. Do you constantly seek approval and
affirmation?
2. Do you fail to recognize your
accomplishments?
3. Do you fear criticism?
4. Do you overextend yourself?
5. Have you had problems with your own
compulsive behavior?
6. Do you have a need for perfection?
7. Are you uneasy when your life is going
smoothly, continually anticipating
problems?
8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of
a crisis?
9. Do you still feel responsible for others,
as you did for the problem drinker in
your life?
10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it
difficult to care for yourself?
11. Do you isolate yourself from other people?
12. Do you respond with fear to authority
figures and angry people?
13. Do you feel that individuals and society
in general are taking advantage of you?
14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?

15. Do you feel suicidal or have a need to hurt yourself or others?

16. Do you do things you don't want to do, rather than risk disappointing other people?

17. Do you have difficulty trusting your own perceptions and need to prove you're right and others are wrong to convince yourself?

18. Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed because of someone else's behavior?

19. Do you startle easily?

20. Do you think the best way to take care of your needs is not to have any?

So for me, when I first met the people who have what I wanted and still do, this is where I was at and what "it" was greater than myself on that dark night and when that sliver of Light met these twenty questions the Morning began to break a day at a time and although nothing ever seems to come quickly or easily it works for me best when it "dawns" on me that I no longer feel broken - most of the time - and I can instead take a moment of a new dawn and accept God's will for my life and  instead of broken moments I can see and feel the Light of Gratitude when....*Morning Has Broken*