This "thought in my mind" about the mind being willing and the body being weak as I try my best to "live life" popped into my head yesterday about the same time my hamstring popped in my left thigh.  I guess one could say it is a bit of a parody or play on words of the biblical standby of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak.  In a way there is some similarity but what I feel the need to write about today is not of a carnal nature as the latter is more "famous" for its usage.  Actually it is of a more practical nature, not what you would call cerebral, nor is it - on the surface anyway - derived from something that is Spiritual in nature.  Although with the help of a clearer understanding of the God of my understanding I do believe that everything we do in this life can, and should be, accepted and practiced as being of a spiritual nature.  It is this peaceful, serene, and grateful point of reference of feeling - most of the time - that I am a Spiritual Being living a Human Existence.  For me, when I am, I am indeed living life on life's terms.  In doing so, no matter what may be going on, has gone on, or apprehensions for the future have proven to be less painful and certainly less traumatic and drama filled than in my past.  Not only does it help keep me in the moment, it also helps tremendously to put into perspective how short, miniscule, and temporary our time in this life truly is which I experienced first hand when I died and felt eternal soulful life.  However as much as I would like to believe I have the Power to live as Caspar The Friendly Ghost, I am still a whole lot of human and in being human, sometimes I have to face the fact and life's terms about what I am able to still do physically.  As you may have gathered by now, despite my best efforts, physically I am not a kid anymore - far from it.  However, the kid still thrives in me and I am in the process of "revisiting my youth" and playing a game. A game that I guess one could say is my first real true love.  Hundreds of the "old folks" here in the desert play softball all year long.  How could I resist?  So I checked it out, approved, and bought a bat, a glove and proceeded yesterday morning for "tryouts".  Yup, there is a league with three different divisions with various skill levels and I have to try out to see where I fit in.  Here we go again with that "fitting in" thing again, does it ever stop?  Just kidding.  It's okay.  I have not played in well over thirty years, so who knows where I fit in, hopefully not the nearest emergency room....which gets me to thinking which I often do.

It gets me to thinking that as I am writing, I am sitting here with an ice pack on my left thigh nursing the bulging hamstring that I felt pop yesterday during my tryout to see where I fit in.  Sometimes, although I have been taught a lesson before, my mind refuses to acknowledge exactly where I am in life no matter how "peaceful" I may be feeling.  There is a reason for this, and part of how I and you were made, our mind "makeup".  Several words come to "mind" - reflexes, instincts, automatic behavior - that just seems to kick in before we realize what we are doing or take the time or effort to figure out why and if it is in fact in our best interests.  You see, yesterday, my mind completely vacated its retraining to process life on lifes terms and without my consent or knowledge my mind decided I should live life as I felt it should be, as it was, as I reacted as a kid.  My mind lost all remote forms of wisdom for just long enough for something else to pop into it involuntarily - pain and a burning sensation.  On my last at bat I was instructed to "run" to first base.  No one said sprint. No one said break all existing land/speed records.  They just said run.  Old farts don't run very quick, at least most of us, one could call it more like an exceptionally robust and fast walk at best.  My mind, without thinking, without "retraining" did not hear "run", it heard sprint.  So I did, for about twenty feet, and then I walked after feeling the popping and burning of a pulled hamstring.  And then when I tried to take ground balls later, I couldn't bend down without pain nor was it fielded with great precision.  This tenderness and "injury" was punctuated when I threw the ball into home as instructed, and this morning I am reasonably sure it landed somewhere in Mexico.  It was kind of a wild throw.  The kid was willing in my mind, but the body of the old man was pretty powerless.  So, as I have learned to do, I accepted that for the moment it was not God's will, nor my hamstring's will that I proceed.  Better and wiser to accept my life at that moment as it is and not how I felt it should be - I needed to "detach" and give my thigh some love.  Which gets me to thinking....which I often do.

It got me to thinking of what I was thinking about after tryouts while nursing my hammy.  I thought these thoughts in my mind, as I was applying sports creme, followed by a trip to the hot waters of the spa, and later several hours of icing it as I sat in my recliner watching movies.  I wasn't sprinting much, so my mind thought about what is in this quote above.  In all things there is and was a lesson for me to learn and for which additional retraining is needed for my mind.  By the grace of God, especially for someone who has died and was told would not live without a heart transplant almost eight years ago (More details in Book 1 "The Power of Surrender!!), to be able to even think about "sprinting" much less actually playing softball with old people is certainly a gift.  A gift found in gratitude that provides serenity.  The lesson, although it should have been obvious, is for me to retrain my mind that I cannot approach life no matter what activity the terms dictate as if I am still a kid or a young man.  And even more so, if my mind chooses to attempt to live this kind of life, I need to retrain it to be more attentive to doing stretching exercises and acceptance I am nowhere near the athlete I used to be.  There is a balance, I need to find it, and retrain my mind to live in balance and in doing so will find I can live life as it is in peace, serenity, and feel grateful for ALL opportunities and perhaps when I throw a ball it will not end up in Mexico.  So part of life and the need for retraining my mind after learning this lesson is a reminder that this comes in all areas of my life, and I was reminded of this yesterday, because I have already learned this and it was much more important when I did than "playing a game."  Which brings me to my point today and for which my friend Mindy is surely waiting for, of when I first learned to retrain my mind, and how much peace it has brought to my life.  Which gets me to thinking....which I often do.

In the suggested opening of Al-Anon meetings for friends and family of alcoholics is a phrase that when I first heard it my mind went "oh, so this is where it comes from!".  The phrase is "we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing why."  Wow!  I had experienced this throughout my life but now I knew where this "cloud" had come from.  It was and is a behavior and attitude as a result of living with an alcoholic that is like a stealth bomber.  It just sneaks up on you.  I had experienced this for as long as I can remember.  I would feel guilty if I was happy, as if I was not deserving to feel good.  It was waiting for the other shoe to drop, impending doom was eminent no matter how hard I was trying.  Bottom line, it is about not feeling good enough about me to believe it is okay to feel peace, serenity, and that I am good enough and it's core cause was not that I was worthless, it was because of a disease that caused me to feel worthless.  This struck me the first time I heard it because I finally had a place to "put the blame", but I had a lot of retraining to do with my mind because just because I know what it was, I did not know what to do with it nor did I have a clue as to its specific origins.  Even after several years in recovery this cloud would show up, uninvited, and hang around for hours if not days and the funk would feel overwhelming.  It was not a peaceful, serene, way to live yet felt like life would always be lived on these terms.  And eventually with a very subtle and prolonged spiritual awakening, my mind which had heretofore gone to this place with no plans just like when I tried to "sprint" yesterday, had a realization of where this unreasonalbe irritability had come from.  I came to understand that most, if not all, of the times I felt like this out of nowhere happened on Sunday.  I could have the best weekend ever, and suddenly I was in a funk.  I had no clue why.  In my recovery I was learning that most feelings that I could not explain had something to do with my childhood and the "Grand Funk" was no exception.  So my mind as it was learning to open up and become more willing started to connect the dots between Sunday's and the arrival of the Grand Funk Railroad.  It ended up in a familiar Depot that was uninhabitated.  The town it traveled to was abandondment.  My irritable and unreasonable feeling that I did not understand were rooted in abandonment.  My dad left on either Sunday nights or Monday mornings.  I hated it when he left and I hated me because I thought it was my fault he was leaving.  His leaving was the dark cloud and this feeling stayed with me all of my life and I never knew it existed or why, or where it came from.  The Grand Funk Railroad was a band that played a great song called "Closer to Home" and I never felt like I fit in at home and when I got old enough I sprinted out of there as fast as I could and didn't pull a hammy because I was younger then, but this day when I found the map to the train depot of abandonment I at last understood where my mind had always gone.  With this awareness, acceptance that I was no longer a kid, and did not have to feel this feeling any more although the train may show up I no longer have to get on board....which gets me to thinking which I often do.

Understanding the specific origin of this feeling, or any feeling for that matter brings me the peace and serenity needed to live life on life's terms.  This dark cloud was not about me, had nothing to do with me, yet it felt like it was me and always would be.  Today when it happens by I can choose to "change my mind" and approach it's arrival with a different viewpoint because it is no longer showing up in a fog, or a cloud, it is clear and although I can't see a baseball as well as I used to do, I can see this irritable and unreasonable cloud and I can choose to let it move on and go somewhere else.  My "viewpoint" has changed to one in which I value my serenity more than anything I guard it and protect - even if my mind wanders and I think I can do things that I know better that I may wish they were but are not as they should be, as I hope they be....trite but true....it is what is is which gets me to thinking about one more "thing" just for today.

A few years ago I was relating this story to my youngest son who at the time was dealing with his own recovery.  After I finished with the Sunday funk and my coming to understand that it was about abandonment and my dad leaving for the week he made a comment that I have never forgetten, yet for me, is how this cunning and baffling disease works through families and generations like an invisible stealth bomber carrying a payload of grand funk.  He said that it was interesting that he was telling me this, because he always felt this way on Sunday's too.  My response to him was:  "Where do you think you got it from?"  I've retrained my mind to let go of trying to live my life as I think it should be, it never worked very well in the "old days", and I find it more peaceful when I live it as it is.  I hope my son, and I have every reason to believe he is, is also living his life with a viewpoint of serenity, that comes from gratitude, that results in peace.  And with this hope both he, and I, and even more importantly my grandkids will grow up and instead of touring on the Grand Funk Railroad they can instead take a peaceful and serene walk on The Serenity Bridge.....most of the time.  As for me, all I can do is keep trying and trying to get better and my hammy is feeling better which is great because there is a pickup game tomorrow and I hope to play.  You know what they say, some kids never grow up.  Peter Pan is awesome!!....turn the page for The Power of Surrender