I made two "minor" changes to the "Welcome Home" page of this site today.  One was neither bitter or sweet, but more along the lines of "let's get real" which I try to do most of the time.  The other was for sure very sweet, and was an unexpected yet very welcome gift I received on "My Blue Angel's" fourth birthday, which precedes her little brother's first birthday by one day.  Today is our forever Angel's birthday.  Landon would be one year old today had it been God's will for him to stay with us, yet at the same time knowing how much we miss him, he is in a much better place and would never have had any "sweet" quality of life.  The second change, was subtle, yet one that felt so sweet, awesome, and even more like the proud "Papa" that I am - it is a picture of Landon in which his tubes have been removed.  Isn't he beautiful??!!....and certainly sweet.  I have no doubts all the little girl angels are fighting over him wherever his flight schedule may take him.  As I have mentioned previously, he is a busy little guy, and does some awesome work.  None more awesome than when we get introduced to his baby brother next April - Happy First Birthday Landon!!  Okay, so this "sweet" change is obvious, I wanted to show off how "so darn cute" he really was and try to not feel bitter over his loss but what is the other change?  In trying to "get real" and relieve any unmet expectations you may have and/or that I may have of myself, I added a word.  I have introduced this as "My 'Weekly' Blog and Web Site."  It's not.  I try but sometimes I am either not in the zone or life happens, both the bitter and the sweet.  I knew at the end of last week what was coming this week.  I knew this week, especially yesterday and today, was going to be first very sweet and yet bitter much like our lives are, living our human experience amidst ongoing change.  Struggling at times, not to lose hope, that there will come a time when the sweet will be constant, lasting, and eternal and any bitter tastes or feelings will no longer exist much less be a way of life.  I can assure you this is within your grasp, mine, and any of us with a soul, it just may not come for most of us in our human existence seeking a spiritual experience.  However, you can ask Landon, myself, or even a four year old little boy if there is a time, a place, a dimension and an existence that is eternally sweet and we will all answer you emphatically there is with a resounding yes!!  With our "experience" comes with it an almost compulsive need to share how compellingly sweet it is in The Light Beyond The Light whether you choose to believe us in your free will or not.  We understand it is God's will for our lives, even if it be brief, that we share with you what is beyond our comprehension as humans in the sweetest terms we can find to "at a minimum" proved a hint of an existence void of any bitterness.  An existence void of time, change, or any feelings of sadness or loss no matter how profound.  I wrote of my experience in The Power of Surrender, my perception of knowing what Landon is experiencing in "going there" too in "What Grandpa Knows", and what for us is our reality - for me "almost" staying and for Landon finding his way Home and a better place - but who is this four year old boy?  Some of you may have "met him", I only did recently and when I did and heard and "saw" his story it got me to thinking - which I often do.

Recently I watched a movie that had been on my "roundtuit" list and I actually got to it.  "Heaven Is For Real" is based on the true story of a four year old boy who has a near death experience and visits "heaven". Although his experience as depicted in this movie was very different from mine, as I have thought about it, it perhaps was very much the same and our descriptions are only limited by our human "time", experiences, and the knowledge that comes with wisdom.  His most descriptive word of what he experienced was limited to "wonderful." Although I will agree with him, it does not begin to describe just how sweet it really is, but he was only four years old.  For him, most likely as good as it gets.  Like me, he was was reluctant to share and did not completely comprehend what happened and was doubted at first because he did not have his heart stop, and although his condition was indeed life threatening he did not technically die.  Neither did I.  He described his body leaving the operating room, hearing and seeing his parents, basically an out of body experience in which he saw, heard, and felt things that defy human explanation.  For me, I experienced this as well, but since I am old enough to understand the concept of the soul, for me my soul left my mind and body behind and being an "aged" and sometimes even mature adult there was no need for me to have "proof" of things that cannot be explained.  HIs father was a pastor, so for him to experience the Power, Light, Love, and timelessness of this Power much greater than ourselves and to be believed his experience was manifested in what was known and familiar to him as a four year old little boy.  He saw Jesus, many beautiful angels, and the scenery was beautiful, in other words the best of his world and what he understood as a four year old.  What he could comprehend and share upon his return.  Even his father did not believe him completely until he said he met his dad's grandfather who was an influence in his life and loved him unconditionally - just like mine.  His mother did not believe him either,  until he told her that he had a sister in heaven. Not knowing that she had mis-carried and lost a baby and now knew the baby was a girl.  This struck me deeply.  If you have not already read about it, Kinsley the birthday girl from yesterday, spoke with Landon her angel brother who had wings, and also told her mom that she had a little sister with wings too.  My daughter lost a child between Kinsley and Landon, the sex of yet another granddaughter for me was never known until Landon told us.  And so what we learn from those of us who have experienced The Power and the Light - for real - is that even the bitterest of the bitter is eternally sweet when we pass beyond our human existence.  That nothing is impossible with this Power so much greater than ourselves and we have within us the capacity to feel all emotions, both the bitter and the sweet, but when we can accept whatever difficult times may come along in our lives they are NEVER forever and there is always a reason but it may not be time for us to understand them all - yet!!  Which gets me to thinking, which I often do....

It gets me to thinking about two more movies, one in which is the story of among other things "a brief history in time" which if time is eternal how can it be brief - but it is - and this is depicted in the "Theory of Everything" about perhaps the most brilliant mind of our lifetime and greatest skeptic of the existence of "God".  Steven Hawkings, a brilliant man trapped in his early twenties in the early 1960's in a body that quit functioning and left only with his mind.  Given two years to live, he set out to prove there is no God, and there was a scientific explanation for our existence.  It was not God's will for this man to die, despite his challenge.  I will not give away the ending, but let's just say that in not so many words Hawkings stopped short of singing Alleluia but intellectually succombed to the possiblity that man is only limited by the Power we can find within us....hmmm perhaps this would be a Power greater than ourselves?  The other movie is one I devoted an entire chapter to in "The Power of Surrender":  Silver Linings Playbook.  A movie that is entirely built around the premise that no matter how crazy or bitter a situation may be, if we look for it, we can always find a sweet spot and when we do we may sound crazy in our description but if we stick to it we may find those around us are in "reality' acting crazier than we are and it is all about perception.  And since it is "that time of year again" nowhere can this perception become more distorted for many of us due to both bitter and sweet memories of the past than those of us who live, have lived, or still live within the distorted reality of the family disease of alcoholism, the inherent behaviors and attitudes too often bitter,  and the world of addiction and dependency so prevalent during the not always so sweet holidays....which gets me to thinking, which I often do.

All week long I had been trying to "describe" what I was feeling, and the only word I could come up with was Bittersweet.  Nothing sweeter than a birthday for a beautiful four year old little princess, nothing more bitter than trying to "celebrate" the birth of her brother the next day knowing his bitter, tragic ending, and all of the profound sadness of the entire experience of his brief 18 days of his human experience.  All the while trying our "best" to let go of the bitter and embrace the sweetness of his ability to touch hearts all over the world.  Not surprisingly enough, when I went to meet with the people who have what I want and still do last night, guess what the topic was about?  Dealing with the holidays, the good and the bad, and the mixed emotions of unmet expecations of others and ourselves.  How do we deal with the people, places, and things beyond our control?  How do we handle the bitter with the sweet?  How do we resist the desire, sometimes the need, to want to run away to someplace eternally sweet - like heaven?  I wish I could say there is some magic formula, but I can't, but I can offer perhaps it is more a question of balance in dealing with reality.  Life will be bitter at times, but if I stay bitter it will never change anything that has happened and may make it worse.  This is unrealistic and a tragic way to live.  Life will be sweet at times, sometimes very sweet, but this too is being unrealistic if I believe I can maintain "sweetness" at all times - perhaps just some "brief history's" of time is enough.  Perhaps the best I can do is accept the reality that life, in my human experience, is going to be bittersweet and I can choose on which I want to focus that works best for me to maintain some Power with enough Light and find at least one Silver Lining and then hang on for dear life and feel Grateful....perhaps it will change my Attitude and I will "come to understand" that nothing in this life lasts forever but someday....with no effort just like I did for a while, just like the four year old boy did for a while, and just like Landon does everday and today on his birthday....we can get to thinking

In between the bitter and the sweet there is just enough room to fit in a Serenity Bridge right in the middle, but we have to look for it and then choose it.  For me, I can "get there" quicker if I look for the Silver Lining and find at least one thing, no matter how seemingly insignificant to be Grateful for.  For me, with Landon, I got to "touch" him once and this is a moment I will never forget.  I touched his sweet little cheek, which is no longer blocked by the tubes and this is the memory I will keep forever until we "meet" again.  I also have sorted through something else that felt kind of bitter, but probably more confusing than anything.  How do I answer when asked how many grandchildren do I have?  I found the answer in sorting through my bittersweet feelings.  It's kind of simple actually.  I have two in Maine, one in Texas, one in Missouri and three in Kansas.  I have eight grandchildren, this only adds up to seven.  I have one more, he is everywhere, and constantly with me.  How sweet it is!!  Of course, I realize that perhaps my perspective has the benefit of the Experience of the Reality of some Amazing Light and most of you do not have this additional wisdom of "What Grandpa Knows" to fall back on especially as it pertains to time and that the bitter does not last forever even when it feels like it will never end so just for today....let me think one more time and offer "how it works" if you work it through the eyes of a four year old picured above who I love to think about....

I am so proud of my daughter for so many reasons, and she is a wonderful mom.  So this is how "Elsa" spent her birthday yesterday.  After "school" (Day Care), the birthday girl went for a "Princess Pedicure", after which she received a popsicle.  She was then given the choice to have, or to go, wherever she wanted for her birthday dinner.  She chose Mac and Cheese at home.  I called to wish her a happy birthday, she let me know emphatically that she was now four. That was about all the time she had for Papa, and it was awesome. She had to play with her new Elsa doll, wait for her dad to get home, have her cake and get more presents.  It was wonderful.  She was in heaven. She is four years old.  She was experiencing a "brief history of time" and in the moment and it was sweet.  So did Landon.  Turn the page for The Power of Surrender