The Eleventh Step and second to last of the Twelve Steps suggests to me that "through prayer and meditation I seek to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding (you of yours), praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the Power to carry that out."  This concept, this way of living, is as wonderful and freeing as it is difficult and for me has taken many moments, days, years, and a whole lot of mistakes to be able to practice with reasonable "progress" most of the time and I find it best I "let go" of seeking the slightest of "perfections".  I have to do this, although this Step provides me the path to continue to strive being a Spiritual Being living a human experience, I'm still human AND I have nose hairs to prove it!!  I'll get to the nose hairs in a bit, first I need to share with you my initial impression of this most Spiritual of Steps, and how I have learned by it's very nature it keeps me grounded in a "place" where my "Reflections" keep me connected to my imperfections and although I cannot "see" God I can feel God's Power, in the Light, and we can love each other unconditionally despite our "mistakes and imperfections."  Our?  Am I implying "God" makes mistakes?  Maybe, afterall I am writing about the God of my understanding and I will offer my personal proof....soon but not yet.  First I have to "confess" when I first found the rooms of Al-Anon and met the people who have what I want and still do, and I read and heard this Eleventh Step, it sounded so good to me I decided since I had a lifelong familiarity with God and a formal Religious education I would start with this Step and be on my way.  I mean, what the hell, if I knew what God's will for my life is what more do I need?  What I would soon "come to understand" is that it does not work this way when you work it and these Steps are in order for a reason.  For me, one of the primary reasons is that my previous "conscious" contact with the God of my former understanding was not a clear "Reflection" of His image or mine.  This image and likeness for which I had learned at a very young age, both what I perceived God to "look like" and who I felt inside I really was, well to be blunt both were distorted.  Perhaps at best much like the "House of Mirrors" in a fun house that make one look funny but only because we are being bent out of shape or bent out of joint.  When we grow up in an environment of an alcoholic home we not only find distorted mirrors we also get caught up in a very large and continuous motion of a Merry-Go-Round which floats in a sea of denial.  I learned this too in the beginning, there is an Al-Anon pamphlet entitled:  "Alcoholism:  The Merry-Go-Round Called Denial."  If you ever feel you need to better "understand" how it - the denial that is - works, I highly recommend doing so, it helped me considerably to make whatever house I may be in - more fun!!  Which gets me to thinking, which I often do.

It gets me to thinking of what I was thinking about yesterday while doing some "conscious contact" and I found myself sitting in my first grade classroom at six years old and wondering what or where Baltimore was?  It was religion "class" and my first and foremost conscious contact with God, for which I understood very little, was taught to me as an enhancement to the behaviors and attitudes I was learning at home out of a book.  The book was called "The Baltimore Catchecism".  Pretty big word for a six-year old kid and all I knew about Baltimore was they had a baseball team and it was not my favorite so it was for the birds.  I don't remember much about this book, but I do know it was how us Catholic kids got introduced to our faith.  We had to learn it, memorize it, remember it, and I guess it was believed in those days if we did we would also feel it.  What I do remember most, what perhaps confused me most, was that all of "us" were created in "God's image and likeness."  I was supposed to understand this, but how do I see myself in His image and likeness if he is invisible?  Of course, being six years old and in looking around the classroom, the outside world, and at home I was wondering just which of these images and likenesses I was supposed to be.  All I had were the "images" of an old grandpa looking type man, a white man, with a white beard, and cool clouds.  How do I look like this at six?  How does a person of color identify with this old white man?  Is God and Santa Claus one and the same?  They both seem very concerned with my behavior and I'm learning there are consequences if I don't "measure up".  Then this book said I was a "creature" created with a body and a soul in addition to this image and likeness.  Creature?  My dad and I used to watch "Creature Feature" on TV on Saturday nights and it was horror movies.  Am I a creature?  Horrible?  Is God a monster?  How do I understand the concept of a Soul at six-years old when I didn't get it at forty-six?  Some of us never do, we get stuck with images and likenesses and never see our own Reflection in a clear mirror, and go round and round in our denial.  So....this book goes on to say why God made me and tells me it is to worship Him, but He is already perfect, and the only way I can save my soul is to love him in my worship with faith, hope and charity with all of my heart and my reward will be heaven.  It is in very simple, black and white short question and answer form.  That's a lot of faith for a six-year old and whatever "the hell" heaven was seemed Light years away.  All of this was in the first five questions and the very first said that God created the world....okay earth is the world who came up with the Universe?  Where were the X-Men when you needed them?  Of course I am exaggerating some to create some "drama", I know drama as it is in my genes!!  That's an inside joke.  However, in order to be somewhat factual I pulled up this book online and did revisit some of it out of curiousity....this God of my former understanding so I can compare with this God of my understanding today....just for today that can change as quickly and without warning as my understanding of His will for my life becomes clearer.  As we say in "The Program", sometimes beyond my wildest dreams.  For me as I was revisiting Baltimore and not watching baseball, what I "saw" is not what is written, it is what is not written.  Which for me, just for today, is a distorted mirror which was a "game" changer for my "Reflection", for my soul, for the truth and reality of what is reflected in my mirror and how I "see", "feel", and "hear" God today in my life.  One image is the photo above that is neither a creature or a monster, it is simply some warmth and Light that reaches me, my heart and my soul, when I am open to and ready for "contact".  Which gets me to thinking about what was missing....which I often do.

For me what was and is missing from this book is that it is very negative and sounds and feels one-sided.  It is "conditional" that if I don't do this, and don't do that I will measure up and be at least considered for "heaven" Light years from now, or then, or whenever it is decided it is His will for my time to be up.  There is a long list of things I can do wrong and in doing so I will not earn this love that is supposed to be unconditionally available and all forgiving.  See, for me, the God of my former understanding feels alot like this pic above looks without the "Light" shining through all of the confusion, mixed signals, projection, judgements, and so many conditions represented by the tree and its tangled limbs and it would feel very dark and alone without the Light if I am not measuring up.  So keeping with a "theme" if God is perfect, and the Light is avaialbe to me ONLY if I am measuring up and this is determined by others as to "how I am doing" in accordance with their image and likeness which is like God's - how in the hell do I have a chance at anything remotely close to heaven - much less a clear reflection in my mirror or anyone else's.  Which gets me to what I was thinking which I do daily in my conscious contact but in order to be able to see "through the trees" I had to first take Ten Steps in order because in them I found what was missing.  No where in Baltimore does it say anything about what I can depend upon, receive, be given unconditionally, or begin to measure up that is given freely by the God of my current understanding which is HIs unconditional love and acceptance of me just as I am, despite my mistakes, my faults, and my imperfections.  For me what I found that I could not see before is a Power greater than myself that loves and accepts me just they way I am that was always there for ME, even when I felt He was missing.  Not to be feared, nor felt judged by, nor a monster, but a gentle "creature" that sees in me what I cannot see, that a little child could not comprehend and that is my soul.  He is there, I just have to show up, and do the best I can with what I have and in doing so I can tell you what I know for sure, what I felt when I had my glimpse of "heaven" and that is image and likeness has nothing to do with my face, my body, my skin color, my sexuality, or anything else materialistic or man-made.  Image and likeness has everything to do with an inner "Reflection" of soul that begins with "me" loving as much as humanly possible unconditionally, without judgement, conditions, prejudice, and certainly hatred.  This is how I am "seen" by Him, and when I "came to understand" and accept this is how I am loved I was able to "come to believe" this is all that is expected of me in the end.  And it becomes a begining each morning a day at a time which gets me to thinking of one other profound truth and reality of this God of my understanding....which I often do.  

I like to believe and it "works for me" that this God of my understanding in contrast to the God of my former understanding is much more like a realiable, close, life long friend.  You know the one that you can pick up the phone and call anytime and pick up right where you left off years ago even if you have not "seen" them for a very long time.  Well what I am thinking is that for me personally, God sometimes makes mistakes, and perhaps He or She is as much a work in progress as I am.  Pretty nervy to call out God, right?  I'm not worried about it when I do, after all if you read the Power of Surrender Book One had I not called out God in the first place I would not be where I am today.  He gets me.  But I have a bone to pick and when I do go "back home" for the final time to the Light Beyond the Light I have a question at the top of my list, sometimes it is the only question I have left and this is:  Dude....now that I am back in heaven what the hell is the deal with nose hairs anyway?  Really, is this the best you got?  

Seriously folks, think about it, if God is perfect are nose hairs the best plan he could come up with?  Hopefully I am not aware and there is a new generation with a new models out there and this malady has finally been eraditcated.  It is a prayer for me for the future generations of my family.  In the meantime, I am done for today, I have to go look in my mirror as my nose is itching and I'm reasonably certain I will find in the "Reflection" of my mirror another annoying friggin nose hair and yes I do have the Power to pull it which is I guess is better than picking it and I am doing my best to feel - GRATEFUL....ugh!!  Turn the page to find