Vulnerable:  susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

I'm not sure about you, but I know for me I can easily feel vulnerable to many people, places, and things that are not going to physically or emotionally attack me and harm me.  At least not on the surface.  They are not presenting themselves as harmful nor do I feel threatened until I sense, feel, or fear an inherent weakness either real or perceived.  Before I met the people who have what I want and still do, I had a very difficult time discerning my real weaknesses from those I perceived were really mine.  I amost always felt vulnerable, and certain "most of the time" at a minimum I could expect emotional harm no matter how hard I tried to feel and present myself as "powerful", "all-knowing", and more than capable at all times despite great feelings of doubt from within that ultimately crumbled my defenses, my walls,  in my feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and lack of self-worth. Eventually I retreated into my perceived safe haven, putting up Walls of protection and waited, and waited, and waited and then waited some more until it felt safe to come out not realizing that this perceived perception of a mis-guided safe-haven was just as much a reason for my powerlessness and my vulnerabilities as were my lack of patience and fear that I was good enough to ever have the Power to choose when and how I wanted my Story to End.  And sometimes, it is a good idea if I take these people, places, things, or situations back with me in time to where and how they began in order to understand when and how I can find a better ending and come to understand if I do learn to have some patience I'll not feel quite as vulnerable if I accept who is actually keeping time, and when the time is right and just whose Will I am living anyway....which gets me to thinking....which I often do

I was just thinking as I write this that my ears are ringing, ringing with my mother's voice telling me that "patience is a virtue" from as long back as I can remember what the words patience and virtue actually meant.  For me then and even after I found recovery this statement not only did not help me to feel very virtuous, whenever it was said and/or I heard it in my head I felt like I was vulnerable to stepping into a rather large pile of bullshit.  One of the examples of feeling vulnerable yet not susceptible to any physical or emotional harm other than I simply was not patient enough to be patient, and it sucked when my perceived wants and virtues where not getting met - on my time and in MY WILL.  Most of the time, did I not only feel powerless to change the ending of any particular chapter in my story, I didn't have the patience to see it through without first retreating to the safe haven of my Walls and feel sorry for myself as to when and why it would be My Time.  I wish I could tell you that today, all of the time, this never happens anymore but this would not be totally factual.  I would be leading your boots to also walk with the bulls.  What I will tell you is that most of the time it is better and this is good thing. It is a healthy reminder that I am still human and eternally grateful that today having experienced eternal time I have a much better perspective of time in this life at this moment.  This experience provides me the patience to feel the virtue of better understanding whose will and whose time harness the real Power.  When I choose to accept this Power available to me at any given time my "story" can have fewer walls that don't feel like they are closing in and "attacking" me.  Instead my defense is bolstered if I accept the fact that what is not "bullshit" is the fact that being an Adult Child of Alcoholic Parents, my potential "prison" of behaviors and attitudes can take me "there" in a heartbeat....which gets me to thinking which I often do....

It gets me to thinking of when I heard a long time member of the people who have what I want and still do speak about just this very scenario.  Despite years of recovery, learning patience is a virtue, and understanding the value and importance of understanding God's will in their life, they found themselves vulnerable to living life on life's terms and retreated to their walls.  The "threat" to their physical and emotional harm was a pending job offer that did not happen on their time table.  Their response was to go home, close the blinds, turn off all phones, isolate and read for an entire weekend.  They had run out of patience, had no more time to wait for virtue, and concluded what they had worked so hard to overcome.  They surrendered to their greatness weakness that there was something wrong with them.  They had been told they were going to be hired, and when no call came, it felt like the end of the story and they chose to sit in their powerlessness.  On Monday, once the bullshit was shaken off of their boots, and they emerged from their darkened walls they found out the truth.  Their perception that this chapter in the story of the job search had ended was wrong.  In fact, reality was the opposite.  It was about the person who had interviewed then and wanted to hire them.  This person had the problem, not my friend.  The person who interviewed her during the week, resigned from their job on Friday.  On Monday she found out they were still very interested in her for the position.  See, it wasn't God's time yet, for He or She is the timekeeper.  Nor was it God's will as the time was not right for the pieces to all be in place and sometimes we need to be reminded who's keeping time. Who really has The Power to change our Story and when we are aware and listen - and are Patient and Surrender we can choose not to retreat within our Walls and better understand we always have the Power to decide how and when our Story ends....which gets me to thinking which I often do

As I'm writing about patience, time, walls, and Power it is really difficult after having lived almost fifteen years in Kansas City not to talk about the Royals in the World Series and how aweseome it is, but what I'm feeling "within" is that perhaps it is best to have some patience and wait and see if they find The Power to end the Story and reward all my friends for their patience - afterall it is a virtue you know!!  Instead I will keep the end of today's story more to the "confines of my mind" and suggest to you what I have found to be helpful to me - most of the time.  When I am faced with feeling vulnerable, that for me I have found is compounded by my greatest weakness and my greatest vulnerability - believing in myself.  I can choose the help of a Power much greater than myself, and I know when I am patient and accept this Power is keeping time....although it may feel safer to isolate I might find the Courage to face my fears and chose gratitude in my acceptance that when I take a few Steps with some Light not all "Walls" are confining....some actually have water falling around them and it's refreshing, all the bullshit is already washed away before I get there!!  Turn the page for The Power of Surrender